My fury at Salacious Tavern

Salacious tavern and you comrades,

at ninth pillar from the Cap-donned Brothers

Do you think that you alone have penises

That you alone are permitted to have however many girls

And think the rest he-goats

Or because you sit, idiots

100 or may be even 200 in a row,

You think that I would not dare to force the 200 sitters

To perform oral sex on me

But you think: I will draw penises all over the front of your tavern

For my girl that fled from my embrace

Whom no one will be loves as much as

Who great battles were fought on behave of

Sits down over there. this is good and happy

All you love, and, indeed, what is shameful,

All the puny and adulterers;

You above all haired

Son of the Celtiberian rabbits 

Egnatius. Whom a dark beard improves

And teeth scrubbed with Iberian piss 

All of the wretched men here have the depth of a glass of wine,

And THINK that they can clam who s ever the please. 

They stay in their group and think that they are so tuff, so strong,  

I just had to write this poem to put those pigs in their place,

They would not even dare to stand up to me 

Even as I stand alone and there were 200 of those stupid brutes.

How dare they take the girl from me that I so loved, 

that I cared for more than anything in the world.

I had to make them pay, 

Now they would be fools to think they could get any girl.

All of Roma, will see this and see what animals these men are.

And their leader Egnatius, is the one whom I hate above all else,

He is the most repulsive fiend in all of Roma.

He lays with women as though he was a rabit looking to re-populate

the entire city, and all those lands that border it.

And he is a fool to think that his dark disgusting beard

Could remotely hid his teeth that stink with the smell of Iberian piss.

Not to mention he is covered with hair like that of a wolf, 

and all the creatures from the north.

I will not stand ideally by while he has taken my fair Lesbia from me.

For so long have these men been adulterers, 

taking the women from those who love them.

This tavern must be put to shame, must be thrown down

So that they might dine with Neptune, 

so the world will be ride of their filth.

Those men took for a wimp, someone who would not stand against them,

I will show them and make them all line up in front of me 

and take turns performing oral sex, 

and show them that they are not the only ones with penises,

That I am more a man then all of those idiots put together. 

After All of Roma sees this they will see just how cowardly these men are.

The Little Sparrow

Catullus 2

Sparrow, my favorite girl,

With who she plays, which she holds in her lap

Who is eager to give the first finger

And when enraged is in the habit of sharply biting

Shining with my desire

Dear, I do not know if you like to joke

And have small consolation for her pain

Lend to moreover to lie with the heavy heat:

You play as you are able

And you ease the worried mind! 

This is one of my more ironic poems, which I believe to be very obvious. 
Lesbia is My love, and I am her lover even though she is married to a pig from the senate. So any time I spend with her is precious. But that bird is just taking those fleeting moments away from me. I hate that stupid little bird of Lesbia's . She gives it all the attention in the world, holding it in her lap and letting the bird on her finger. How I wish I would get that attention. Even though it'll bite her she still loves that little brat. I would do anything to get ride of that darn bird. When I wrote this poem I wanted to show Lesbia just how much I can't stand that bird and that I am the one who loves her and want her attention. Maybe one day the bird will just fly away, and I will never have it deal with it again.  I just despise that stupid little sparrow with all of my being, It seems that it even thinks its funny to bite her. If it was up to me I would smash that little chirping devil underneath the biggest rock I can find, and throw it's smashed little body into the ocean.  But so long as Lesbia loves that creature I am powerless to do anything, especially since she is playing with it all of the time. I hope that all who read this do not truly think I like this bird in any way shape or form. When I say how it eases my worried mind, it really is the thing that is worrying my mind. Nearly every nice thing I say about that bird is just the opposite. Maybe one day Lesbia will read this and understand me and will give me the attention that she gave to her beloved sparrow.